I don’t fear much in life. I have mentioned before that I have lived a very blessed life, and that is one reason I don’t have much fear. I also know that God is watching over me and is with me all the time. As a result I don’t tend to live in fear of much of anything.
But I recently was thinking about memory loss, and that is something that does cause fear in me. I have never had a great memory overall. I have never been worried about it, I just don’t remember things very well. It bothers my wife at times since she has a much better memory than I do, but it has never bothered me.
But true memory loss is something that scares me. I don’t want to see my parents one day looking at me and not knowing who I or my kids are. I don’t want to even see them at the point where they are telling the same story for the X number time, and not realizing that they have told that story just the other day. That will be an early sign of a mind that is slipping, and I am sure that the fear for me will start then with regard to them. I have seen it happen with my grandparents before they died. It was hard to see them know they couldn’t remember something they knew they should know. It hurt my heart. I don’t want that to happen to my parents.
I fear it happening to my wife one day, before it happens to me. I don’t want to see my amazingly smart, bright, thoughtful, and memory-filled wife lose that. That will crush me. I can’t imagine what it will do to her as well. She is always so strong in her memory, and so to see that slip away will be one of the hardest things I can think of.
The biggest thing is I don’t want it to happen to me. I can’t even fathom what it will feel like to look at someone I have known for years and not know who they are. Or to walk into a room and not know where I am or how I got there. That scares me. I believe it will be very hard on me internally. I also think it will be very hard on those around me, and I don’t want to be a burden on them.
What must it be like for those that can’t remember? To see that desperation in their eyes as they try to come up with a name or place or word and it just won’t come to them because their brain has lost its connection to that word, place, or name. That saddens me, and it scares me to think that it may happen to me one day.
I pray it won’t ever happen. It is a selfish prayer. I know that God has a plan, and part of that plan may be that I have significant memory loss. Is this a lack of faith? I am not sure. I don’t think it is. I think it is fine to have fears, it doesn’t paralyze me from doing things or from trusting God. I have faith that God’s plan is a good plan, and that I am a part of that plan. I just hope that memory loss isn’t a part of that plan. I have to open to the plan God has for me, and to proclaim Him no matter what that plan is. I mentioned my grandparents before and memory loss. I can remember that when I was around them they still proclaimed God’s love. That was something they never seemed to forget. It was a powerful message now that I think more about it. That is really cool. They had forgotten so much, but not that they loved God, that God loved them, and that they were a part of God’s plan. That is really amazing.
Is this a fear for any of you? Is this an illogical fear? Does this show a lack of faith in your opinion?